"A fly is as likely to land on shit as it is on pie."
"If my life weren't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Top Ten Most Overrated Movies Of All Time
10. Ray- Jamie Fox was believable. That said, the dialogue to this film was so horrifically cliché and contrived it was almost laughable. And if someone could please explain to me why, with all the money that was pumped into this film, they insisted on using “clever” wipes to cut between scenes? Were they originally intending to screen this in a High School Language Arts class? And star wipe and cut.
9. Dirty Dancing- I must be missing some innate feminine gene that almost every other woman clearly possesses. 100 min of Jennifer Greys honking schnoz , something about a back alley abortion, an excruciating soundtrack (seriously? This movie won an Oscar for Best Original Soundtrack?), and a seriously un-Roadhouse Swayze. Next.
8. A Clockwork Orange- I just don’t get it. Seriously. What the hell is so amazing about this movie? Enough said.
7. Ferris Bueller's Day Off- I don’t hate this movie, I just don’t understand what everyone thinks is so uproariously funny about it. I have never laughed, not once, not a chuckle, not a giggle, not a teehee, nada.
6. Kill Bill II- I loved the first Kill Bill. It was fun, lots of people died. So what the hell happened? The second installment was such a chore to sit through. What happened to all the sword fighting? Every time there was an opportunity for one they passed on it. What the fuck do you think I paid ten bucks for? Not to sit through boring drawn out dialogue and an unbelievably long, pointless scene of Michael Madsen having problems at work. And the end? Are you kidding me? I could have Mad Libbed a better ending then remembering the security code to stop Carradines heart.
5. District 9- Oh god, I was so bored by the end of this social shit fest. It took an hour to finally get into the plot, you know that little thing that makes the movie reel go round, and by the time they did I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I didn’t. Fuck you aliens, fuck you humans, and apparently fuck you South Africa of the future. Congratulations District 9.
4. Up- Started out promising enough. Little old man likes his balloons. A lot. I enjoyed the wrinkled curmudgeon enough to suspend all disbelief (catch the bad pun?) and embark on his high flying adventure, but that little tubby bastard who tagged along was the beginning of the end. Add a creepy, annoying prehistoric bird and not one, not two, but an army of irritating talking dogs with pilot’s licenses and you have a plot that was just too much for me to choke down.
3. Lost in Translation- This film to me was the equivalent of going to someone’s house and watching home movies of their vacation to the water park, or the cheese curd festival, or whatever. You don’t give a shit and you just want it to end. The plot is the equivalent of watching one hundred and two minutes of a cat chasing its own fucking tail. I would advise Sofia Coppola to stick to ruining third installments of major films, much more entertaining.
2. Scarface- Normally we fall in love with characters because we get to vicariously follow them as they grow, change, and transform before our eyes (for better of for worse). Scarface offers none of this. Tony Montana, as a character, is just so flat and one dimensional it makes one wonder why the hell they are watching him for so god damn long. There are much better mafia/drug lord movies out there to invest your time in. Oh but you just bought an overpriced black and white still from allposters.com? Congratulations, you are as mediocre and predictable as every other dorm room rat and rap star on Cribs. Just make sure you have space for your Che Guevara, The Kiss, and Bob Marley posters too. This movie is not number one simply because it has allowed for some fantastic parodies
1. . Napoleon Dynamite- I hate everything about this film. I did not laugh once. That is because it is not funny. It is just simple logic. The end.
P.S. You are not funny for wearing a “Vote for Pedro” shirt. Nor are you clever, or witty, or quirky, or, for the love of god, original. So just stop.
9. Dirty Dancing- I must be missing some innate feminine gene that almost every other woman clearly possesses. 100 min of Jennifer Greys honking schnoz , something about a back alley abortion, an excruciating soundtrack (seriously? This movie won an Oscar for Best Original Soundtrack?), and a seriously un-Roadhouse Swayze. Next.
8. A Clockwork Orange- I just don’t get it. Seriously. What the hell is so amazing about this movie? Enough said.
7. Ferris Bueller's Day Off- I don’t hate this movie, I just don’t understand what everyone thinks is so uproariously funny about it. I have never laughed, not once, not a chuckle, not a giggle, not a teehee, nada.
6. Kill Bill II- I loved the first Kill Bill. It was fun, lots of people died. So what the hell happened? The second installment was such a chore to sit through. What happened to all the sword fighting? Every time there was an opportunity for one they passed on it. What the fuck do you think I paid ten bucks for? Not to sit through boring drawn out dialogue and an unbelievably long, pointless scene of Michael Madsen having problems at work. And the end? Are you kidding me? I could have Mad Libbed a better ending then remembering the security code to stop Carradines heart.
5. District 9- Oh god, I was so bored by the end of this social shit fest. It took an hour to finally get into the plot, you know that little thing that makes the movie reel go round, and by the time they did I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I didn’t. Fuck you aliens, fuck you humans, and apparently fuck you South Africa of the future. Congratulations District 9.
4. Up- Started out promising enough. Little old man likes his balloons. A lot. I enjoyed the wrinkled curmudgeon enough to suspend all disbelief (catch the bad pun?) and embark on his high flying adventure, but that little tubby bastard who tagged along was the beginning of the end. Add a creepy, annoying prehistoric bird and not one, not two, but an army of irritating talking dogs with pilot’s licenses and you have a plot that was just too much for me to choke down.
3. Lost in Translation- This film to me was the equivalent of going to someone’s house and watching home movies of their vacation to the water park, or the cheese curd festival, or whatever. You don’t give a shit and you just want it to end. The plot is the equivalent of watching one hundred and two minutes of a cat chasing its own fucking tail. I would advise Sofia Coppola to stick to ruining third installments of major films, much more entertaining.
2. Scarface- Normally we fall in love with characters because we get to vicariously follow them as they grow, change, and transform before our eyes (for better of for worse). Scarface offers none of this. Tony Montana, as a character, is just so flat and one dimensional it makes one wonder why the hell they are watching him for so god damn long. There are much better mafia/drug lord movies out there to invest your time in. Oh but you just bought an overpriced black and white still from allposters.com? Congratulations, you are as mediocre and predictable as every other dorm room rat and rap star on Cribs. Just make sure you have space for your Che Guevara, The Kiss, and Bob Marley posters too. This movie is not number one simply because it has allowed for some fantastic parodies
1. . Napoleon Dynamite- I hate everything about this film. I did not laugh once. That is because it is not funny. It is just simple logic. The end.
P.S. You are not funny for wearing a “Vote for Pedro” shirt. Nor are you clever, or witty, or quirky, or, for the love of god, original. So just stop.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Good Bad Good Smile
Upon the hill there stood a cow,
It's not there now
It must have shifted
-William Topaz MacGonagall
It's not there now
It must have shifted
-William Topaz MacGonagall
Things you may not know about me...
1) I have never seen The Godfather
2) I hate tomatoes and ketchup but love salsa
3) I can drive my car with my feet
4) I have never seem Top Gun and never intend to
5) My favorite sound is the dull clink that soup cans make when they bang together as you put them away in the cupboard
6) Loves dunking Carl's Jr. chocolate chip cookies in ice cold water to freeze the chips, but only Carl's Jr cookies!
7) I cannot walk down a flight of stairs without looking down the entire time. This is why I will never be Miss America.
8) I absolutely despise Sublime!
9) I cannot dive
10) I hate talking on the phone. But I love missed calls. Then I will text you in response.
2) I hate tomatoes and ketchup but love salsa
3) I can drive my car with my feet
4) I have never seem Top Gun and never intend to
5) My favorite sound is the dull clink that soup cans make when they bang together as you put them away in the cupboard
6) Loves dunking Carl's Jr. chocolate chip cookies in ice cold water to freeze the chips, but only Carl's Jr cookies!
7) I cannot walk down a flight of stairs without looking down the entire time. This is why I will never be Miss America.
8) I absolutely despise Sublime!
9) I cannot dive
10) I hate talking on the phone. But I love missed calls. Then I will text you in response.
...
I would like to think that I can walk through life alone,
but there are too many groups of slow moving of Asians in my way...
but there are too many groups of slow moving of Asians in my way...
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A Poem for Mittens
Little Cat
She sits in wait,
With gleaming eyes
Outside my gate.
Unsightly and matted
Grey and white,
Interrupts with scowls
The silence of night.
With lips parted “shoo”
I swallow with care,
For eye has met eye
In shyness and dare.
My hand and her paw
Are matched beat for beat,
An enveloping softness
I turn upwards to greet.
I swing wide the gate
No more shall she roam,
For both her and I
Have now found a home.
Musings on marriage
A few weeks ago at work a beastly looking woman plundered through our doors in search of a husband. After relinquishing her extra caramel white mocha into her stubby little hands I realized that I had gone to school with this fried food amalgamation. Fortunately she failed to recognize me and tromped off in search of her poor unsuspecting blind date that I have no doubt she lured on the internet with a blurry-picture-of-myself-in-the-mirror-that-you-can’t-really-make-out. Her date was not an unattractive man by anyone’s one-to-ten scale and looked stoically resigned to the idea that he would have to at least forfeit a half an hour of his time to this Hee Haw cast away who was now suffocating the seat in front of him. At least he made her pay for her own drink. They shifted into small talk; attended _____, grew up______, favorite______, oh my god you______ too! Just as I thought my eavesdropping efforts were in vain she leans across the table with the kind of seriousness usually reserved for Catholics and nurses with bad lab test results and said,
“So what are your feelings on marriage?”
Without skipping a beat, he leaned back in his chair and replied,
“What do you know about Henry VIII?”
That was a week ago. I have still not stopped laughing. To this man, if by chance you ever happen to read this, I am sorry. I will be stealing your comeback and passing it off as my own. That said, your next drink is on me.
“So what are your feelings on marriage?”
Without skipping a beat, he leaned back in his chair and replied,
“What do you know about Henry VIII?”
That was a week ago. I have still not stopped laughing. To this man, if by chance you ever happen to read this, I am sorry. I will be stealing your comeback and passing it off as my own. That said, your next drink is on me.
Wow, did I really give into this? As a "writer" with more than half a dozen carelessly scrawled in journals lying around I finally decided to channel all the nonsense in my head into one concise (ha!) blog that will most likely only ever be read by myself. And upon discovering that I am more than ok with that fact I will proceed
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